


The Lies We Tell Ourselves

by Armayra



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, Drabble, Gen, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Late Night Writing, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:47:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27129463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Armayra/pseuds/Armayra
Summary: The things we must tell ourselves to survive when all other options seem impossible - a topic Kylo Ren finds himself musing on way to Jakku for the map to Luke Skywalker.
Kudos: 1





	The Lies We Tell Ourselves

**Author's Note:**

> Really short, takes place shortly before TFA begins.

He stood in front of the viewport of his room, watching as the stars went by, Kylo Ren’s mask sitting on a nearby table. It was the physical representation of who had convinced himself to be; the man that was cunning and strong, that had an actual place to belong. 

But in the stillness, in the moments between when he had something to occupy his time, to distract from the ever-present pain inside, his mind wandered. Deep down he knew this was not where he wanted to be; the opposite of who he thought he would become. He had thought that by now he would have managed to shove down his real self - Ben Solo - so far down that he couldn’t be reached. Couldn’t be upset by the smallest of things, wasn’t overwhelmed by the multiple legacies that he had thrust upon him. Didn’t have people who only wanted him for the amount of power he could use. Wasn’t lonely, didn’t crave for even the slightest bit of affection, to actually be understood for once... 

He shook his head. No, he was Kylo Ren now, and this was his life, even if it was hell. Even if he did feel the pull of leaving, of finding anywhere else but here, where would he even go? There was no one left, no one he could turn to. His parents? Definitely not. He had screwed up so badly that he was sure they would never want to see him again, and he would receive no love from them. He couldn’t go back there, couldn’t face their scorn, their looks of sheer and utter disappointment. Even as he stood there, he could hear their disgusted voices. 

_“I always knew there was too much Vader in him.”_

His eyes stung at the words, but he refused to let it come to anything more than that. Vader this, Vader that, if he was so much like his grandfather, then why did Luke consider him worth saving, but not Ben? The solution was simple: he needed to become more like Darth Vader. Even if it didn’t, this was the only place that would accept him as he was now. Ben Solo would never survive in such a place; he may as well have died when he killed the former leader of the Knights of Ren. 

A knock came at the door. “Sir, we’ll be arriving shortly.” 

He knew it all to be a lie, deep down in his core. But it was the only place he felt he could belong; and he would take it for whatever it was worth. He was the mighty Kylo Ren, and he would keep playing the part to save himself. He nodded to the empty room, grabbing Kylo Ren’s helmet from where it laid waiting, slipping it back on. It was time to perform; there was a map to find and an uncle to get answers from.


End file.
